karl malone transcripts
Intro & transcription by Eric -
page is dedicated to the Karl Malone skits seen on "The Man
Show" on Comedy Central. The skits originated from Jimmy
Kimmel's radio show in Los Angeles when Jimmy would do a Karl
impression. There are even CD tracks of the show that feature Karl
Malone on them. When the Man Show hit the airwaves, it wasn't until
the 2nd season in which the Malone sketches were introduced, in which
Jimmy started with a segment about how Karl was his favorite
basketball player and how Karl had a philisophical mind. This first
sketch was entitled "Karl Malone On Becoming A Man"...
click for more.
Being President, Christmas,
Death, The Internet,
World Hunger, Marijuana,
Aliens, Diet & Exercise,
People always asking Karl Malone if Karl
Malone plan to run for president. Now, I will admit, that thought
have crossed Karl Malone eye, but here's my whole thing. That's a
hard job, giving out speeches, meeting with world leader. How in the
hell Karl Malone supposed to talk with world leader of Japan, Karl
Malone don't even speak Japaneese (pronounced ja-pan-eese, not
jap-an-eese). And then, trouble with them chubby interns trying to
get their mouth on president's private part. That's a big old
headache Karl Malone don't need. Besides, the White House nice, but
no way Karl Malone gonna live in Dallas. Thanks for offer tho. Until
next time, this here Karl Malone.
(Karl is wearing a santa hat during this skit)
Malone love Christmas. Christmas is a time of year when there's snow
on the ground, chestnuts roping on an open fire, Jack Off nipping at
your nose. And that's what Karl Malone like, the holiday spirit.
Santa Claus come down chimney, bring all sorts of toys for little
girls and boys, big 'ol ham with the honey glaze. Mmmmmm, Karl Malone
love that ham. Honey glaze, sweet and tangy, oh honey glaze make Karl
Malone wish baby Jesus was born every month. And that's mouthwatering
good stuff, but here's the most important thing about christmas time,
giving out gift. It's better to give gift out that recieve gift out.
And that's why Karl Malone like to put his big 'ol elbow in other
player face. It's better to give gift elbow, (starts cracking up)
than recieve gift elbow. You get that, better to give elbow. That's a
good joke, that's funny. But that's what makes holiday season so
great, good 'ol jokes. And that's Karl Malone's gift to you this
holiday time, joke. Cause as they always say, laughter is the best
Mexican. Have a happy christmas time and until next time, this here
(Note: This is the first sketch to contain a preceeding
logo. It has a continuosly spinning basketball that covers up the
scenery. Over the basketball, "Karl Malone", in a cursive
font with a light blue border and a dark blue fill is shown. The
topic fades in on the lower right side. A whistle is blown after the
topic fades in.)
As Karl Malone get older, he start thinking
about things like dropping down dead. People always asking Karl
Malone, "Karl Malone, is there life after death?" Well,
Karl Malone don't know, some folk believe you go to heaven or to
hell. Karl Malone would prefer heaven, that's for dang sure. But
other folk think dead dude come back to earth in different shape. And
that there is called reintardation. Now, my whole thing is this, if
there do have such a thing as reintardation, Karl Malone don't want
to be coming back to earth as no chicken. Chicken ain't got a dang
deal going on here on earth. Locked up in pen, getting fried up,
barbqued, wings getting chopped off and getting dipped in delicious
tangy hot sauce. Mmm mmm, Karl Malone do love them hot wings. And
that's what Karl Malone's whole thing. Who in the hell want to live
in coop with chopped-off wing. Not Karl Malone. That's why Karl
Malone hoping he get into Heaven. Cause that reintardation, that's
for the birds right there. (Cracked Up) That's for the birds, get
that? That's because talking about Karl Malone made a good one right
there, for the birds. Until next time, this here Karl Malone. (to
off-camera) For the birds, that's a good one, right?
Internet, Internet. The only "internet"
Karl Malone know about is getting basketball in-er-net. Getting
basketball in-er-net, that's good. But here's my whole thing. Karl
Malone don't like this computer. That's a dangerous thing spreading
that there computer virus all over the place, getting in Karl
Malone's soup. Now, soup is good food, but not when it's all filled
up with computer virus. Internet, that's a damn thing. Until next
time, this here Karl Malone.
(cannot give a word for word garantee on this one)
Malone don't understand why ladies have to be getting it on with
other ladies. Now, I will admit, Karl Malone do like those lesbians
in those movies that Karl Malone get in his hotel room where they
lick off each other. (Pretending he's on the phone) Hello, Karl
Malone want the licky lesbians. But that ain't the whole truth. Most
lesbians look like big, old, ugly men. And that's why lesbian can't
get no guy to take them out to movie. Cause they look like big, old,
dirty, ugly men. Now, hotel movietime lesbians are good, but Karl
Malone don't like the big, old, ugly, tube sock wearing lesbians.
Cause as the bible say, if god wanted women to be lesbians, he would
have given them wings. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.
Malone can't believe the music these here kids listening to now and
today. Backstreet Boy, N'SYNC. N'SYNC, only thing should be N'SYNC is
dirty dish. Karl Malone like the good time country music. Travis
Tritt, Garth Brook, Faith Hill. Karl Malone love that Faith Hill, now
that's an extra nice looking lady right there. Karl Malone like to
put a good old sexing on that Faith Hill. But here's my whole thing,
Karl Malone like music that's friendly on the ear. None of that hard
rock or heavy rap. You know what Karl Malone call rap? Crap, Karl
Malone call it crap music, and teammates on Utah Jazz don't like it,
but that's how Karl Malone feel. And here's my whole thing, you got
to do what you feel. And right now, Karl Malone feel like making sex
on that Faith Hill, look out Faith Hill, Karl Malone coming to get
you. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.
Today Karl Malone want to talk about the NRA. Not the NBA
now, this ain't about shooting baskets, it's about shooting people.
The NRA is the National Rifle Assembly. And sometimes, the NRA take a
bad rap. Folks saying, gun is bad, gun is bad, take away the gun.
Now, my whole thing is this. Karl Malone like to shoot squirrel. If
they take away the gun, how in the hell Karl Malone supposed to shoot
squirrel, with rubber band? That's what make Karl Malone so angry.
The 15th commendment saying thou shalt bear arms. Now, bear arms mean
bear guns and thou shalt means you should. So 15th commendment say
you should bear guns, and you should, cause killing squirrel is a
whole heck of a mess of fun. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.
(After ball is bounced-passed to him) Thank you
John Stockton. World hunger make Karl Malone sad. Watching TV late at
night, seeing skinny kids with fly buzzing all over their heads.
That's a darn shame, especially when there's so much good, delicious
food, at Karl Malone's new restaurant, titled Karl Malone's
Restaurant. And for you hungry kids, we got a hell of a children's
menu. Located in the heart of Salt Lake City business district, Karl
Malone's Restaurant. Mention Karl Malone name and get a free slice of
squirrel pie. Mmmmmmmm, now that's squirrelicious right there and
that will take a bite out of world hunger. Until next time, this is
a time in NBA, rumor go around that a lot of player smoke marijuana.
And Karl Malone have to say that a lot of player do smoke pot, and
that's a dang thing cause Karl Malone think this here, NBA playing a
job, that's Karl Malone job. How in the hell you supposed to do job
when your head floating around like Cheech & Chong. Now, maybe
Snoop Diggy Dog can do rapping with a marijuana hit, but NBA player
got to give 102% every time they go out on court. That's why Karl
Malone say to new teammates on Utah Jazz, you gonna smoke grass, Karl
Malone gonna kick ass. And that scare the hell out of them dudes,
cause Karl Malone elbows big and hard. Remember this here, if you
can't take the pain, stay off Mary Jane. And that one rhyme too,
that's why Karl Malone love it. Until next time, this here Karl
at night, Karl Malone look at sky and say, what the hell going on up
there? Do UFO live on other planet, phoning home like E.T.? Karl
Malone read on TV about white people geting deducted by alien.
Sticking all kind of hell up they butt, and that's a damn thing. Now,
Karl Malone hever seen no flying saucer himself, but if he do, that's
gonna be a spooky time. That's why Karl Malone say government got to
step up and give 102% to keeping them little green men off this here
earth. Cause the day them dudes stick something up Karl Malone butt,
that, well, that ain't gonna be a good time for nobody, especially
Karl Malone butt. Listen up E.T., you best stay the hell back. (Does
weird hand thing) Na-nu, na-nu. Until next time, this here Karl
To eat right, you got to stay in shape,
and that break down in 2 category. Number 1, saying off that junk
food and number 2, making exercise. Now, lot of you ladies out there
think cut out the carbs, and that big butt shrink right up. My whole
thing is this, Karl Malone work out, hard. Now, Karl Malone love them
carbs too, especially them Nutter Butter bars, all nuttery and
buttery. And that's good food right there, but to get into top-tip
shape, Karl Malone work out. And that's why Karl do workout video
called (close-up on video) Karl Malone Work Out Video. Buy this right
here, and you get a good working out. Until next time, this here Karl
Malone. (Holds up video to camera)
Karl Malone talking about health. Karl Malone healthy as horse but
everybody not so lucky. All kinds of Americans infected by diabetes.
Diabetes infect young, old, women, men, and here Karl Malone's whole
thing. Why they call it diabetes? They get people all riled up.
That's why Karl Malone say change name diabetes to livebetes. That
way, people won't go walking around saying "oh no, I'm gonna
diabetes." Instead, they saying, "look out world, livebetes
coming through." That's called positivity thinking right there,
and that's kinda thing keep Karl Malone on top. Remember now, you too
can prevent forest fire. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.