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karl malone transcripts

Intro & transcription by Eric -

This page is dedicated to the Karl Malone skits seen on "The Man Show" on Comedy Central. The skits originated from Jimmy Kimmel's radio show in Los Angeles when Jimmy would do a Karl impression. There are even CD tracks of the show that feature Karl Malone on them. When the Man Show hit the airwaves, it wasn't until the 2nd season in which the Malone sketches were introduced, in which Jimmy started with a segment about how Karl was his favorite basketball player and how Karl had a philisophical mind. This first sketch was entitled "Karl Malone On Becoming A Man"... click for more.

Being President, Christmas, Death, The Internet, Lesbians, Music,
NRA, World Hunger, Marijuana, Aliens, Diet & Exercise, Health

Being President

People always asking Karl Malone if Karl Malone plan to run for president. Now, I will admit, that thought have crossed Karl Malone eye, but here's my whole thing. That's a hard job, giving out speeches, meeting with world leader. How in the hell Karl Malone supposed to talk with world leader of Japan, Karl Malone don't even speak Japaneese (pronounced ja-pan-eese, not jap-an-eese). And then, trouble with them chubby interns trying to get their mouth on president's private part. That's a big old headache Karl Malone don't need. Besides, the White House nice, but no way Karl Malone gonna live in Dallas. Thanks for offer tho. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.


(Karl is wearing a santa hat during this skit)
Karl Malone love Christmas. Christmas is a time of year when there's snow on the ground, chestnuts roping on an open fire, Jack Off nipping at your nose. And that's what Karl Malone like, the holiday spirit. Santa Claus come down chimney, bring all sorts of toys for little girls and boys, big 'ol ham with the honey glaze. Mmmmmm, Karl Malone love that ham. Honey glaze, sweet and tangy, oh honey glaze make Karl Malone wish baby Jesus was born every month. And that's mouthwatering good stuff, but here's the most important thing about christmas time, giving out gift. It's better to give gift out that recieve gift out. And that's why Karl Malone like to put his big 'ol elbow in other player face. It's better to give gift elbow, (starts cracking up) than recieve gift elbow. You get that, better to give elbow. That's a good joke, that's funny. But that's what makes holiday season so great, good 'ol jokes. And that's Karl Malone's gift to you this holiday time, joke. Cause as they always say, laughter is the best Mexican. Have a happy christmas time and until next time, this here Karl Malone.


(Note: This is the first sketch to contain a preceeding logo. It has a continuosly spinning basketball that covers up the scenery. Over the basketball, "Karl Malone", in a cursive font with a light blue border and a dark blue fill is shown. The topic fades in on the lower right side. A whistle is blown after the topic fades in.)
As Karl Malone get older, he start thinking about things like dropping down dead. People always asking Karl Malone, "Karl Malone, is there life after death?" Well, Karl Malone don't know, some folk believe you go to heaven or to hell. Karl Malone would prefer heaven, that's for dang sure. But other folk think dead dude come back to earth in different shape. And that there is called reintardation. Now, my whole thing is this, if there do have such a thing as reintardation, Karl Malone don't want to be coming back to earth as no chicken. Chicken ain't got a dang deal going on here on earth. Locked up in pen, getting fried up, barbqued, wings getting chopped off and getting dipped in delicious tangy hot sauce. Mmm mmm, Karl Malone do love them hot wings. And that's what Karl Malone's whole thing. Who in the hell want to live in coop with chopped-off wing. Not Karl Malone. That's why Karl Malone hoping he get into Heaven. Cause that reintardation, that's for the birds right there. (Cracked Up) That's for the birds, get that? That's because talking about Karl Malone made a good one right there, for the birds. Until next time, this here Karl Malone. (to off-camera) For the birds, that's a good one, right?

The Internet

Internet, Internet. The only "internet" Karl Malone know about is getting basketball in-er-net. Getting basketball in-er-net, that's good. But here's my whole thing. Karl Malone don't like this computer. That's a dangerous thing spreading that there computer virus all over the place, getting in Karl Malone's soup. Now, soup is good food, but not when it's all filled up with computer virus. Internet, that's a damn thing. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.


(cannot give a word for word garantee on this one)
Karl Malone don't understand why ladies have to be getting it on with other ladies. Now, I will admit, Karl Malone do like those lesbians in those movies that Karl Malone get in his hotel room where they lick off each other. (Pretending he's on the phone) Hello, Karl Malone want the licky lesbians. But that ain't the whole truth. Most lesbians look like big, old, ugly men. And that's why lesbian can't get no guy to take them out to movie. Cause they look like big, old, dirty, ugly men. Now, hotel movietime lesbians are good, but Karl Malone don't like the big, old, ugly, tube sock wearing lesbians. Cause as the bible say, if god wanted women to be lesbians, he would have given them wings. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.


Karl Malone can't believe the music these here kids listening to now and today. Backstreet Boy, N'SYNC. N'SYNC, only thing should be N'SYNC is dirty dish. Karl Malone like the good time country music. Travis Tritt, Garth Brook, Faith Hill. Karl Malone love that Faith Hill, now that's an extra nice looking lady right there. Karl Malone like to put a good old sexing on that Faith Hill. But here's my whole thing, Karl Malone like music that's friendly on the ear. None of that hard rock or heavy rap. You know what Karl Malone call rap? Crap, Karl Malone call it crap music, and teammates on Utah Jazz don't like it, but that's how Karl Malone feel. And here's my whole thing, you got to do what you feel. And right now, Karl Malone feel like making sex on that Faith Hill, look out Faith Hill, Karl Malone coming to get you. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.


Today Karl Malone want to talk about the NRA. Not the NBA now, this ain't about shooting baskets, it's about shooting people. The NRA is the National Rifle Assembly. And sometimes, the NRA take a bad rap. Folks saying, gun is bad, gun is bad, take away the gun. Now, my whole thing is this. Karl Malone like to shoot squirrel. If they take away the gun, how in the hell Karl Malone supposed to shoot squirrel, with rubber band? That's what make Karl Malone so angry. The 15th commendment saying thou shalt bear arms. Now, bear arms mean bear guns and thou shalt means you should. So 15th commendment say you should bear guns, and you should, cause killing squirrel is a whole heck of a mess of fun. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.

World Hunger

(After ball is bounced-passed to him) Thank you John Stockton. World hunger make Karl Malone sad. Watching TV late at night, seeing skinny kids with fly buzzing all over their heads. That's a darn shame, especially when there's so much good, delicious food, at Karl Malone's new restaurant, titled Karl Malone's Restaurant. And for you hungry kids, we got a hell of a children's menu. Located in the heart of Salt Lake City business district, Karl Malone's Restaurant. Mention Karl Malone name and get a free slice of squirrel pie. Mmmmmmmm, now that's squirrelicious right there and that will take a bite out of world hunger. Until next time, this is Karl Malone.


Now a time in NBA, rumor go around that a lot of player smoke marijuana. And Karl Malone have to say that a lot of player do smoke pot, and that's a dang thing cause Karl Malone think this here, NBA playing a job, that's Karl Malone job. How in the hell you supposed to do job when your head floating around like Cheech & Chong. Now, maybe Snoop Diggy Dog can do rapping with a marijuana hit, but NBA player got to give 102% every time they go out on court. That's why Karl Malone say to new teammates on Utah Jazz, you gonna smoke grass, Karl Malone gonna kick ass. And that scare the hell out of them dudes, cause Karl Malone elbows big and hard. Remember this here, if you can't take the pain, stay off Mary Jane. And that one rhyme too, that's why Karl Malone love it. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.


Sometime at night, Karl Malone look at sky and say, what the hell going on up there? Do UFO live on other planet, phoning home like E.T.? Karl Malone read on TV about white people geting deducted by alien. Sticking all kind of hell up they butt, and that's a damn thing. Now, Karl Malone hever seen no flying saucer himself, but if he do, that's gonna be a spooky time. That's why Karl Malone say government got to step up and give 102% to keeping them little green men off this here earth. Cause the day them dudes stick something up Karl Malone butt, that, well, that ain't gonna be a good time for nobody, especially Karl Malone butt. Listen up E.T., you best stay the hell back. (Does weird hand thing) Na-nu, na-nu. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.

Diet & Exercise

To eat right, you got to stay in shape, and that break down in 2 category. Number 1, saying off that junk food and number 2, making exercise. Now, lot of you ladies out there think cut out the carbs, and that big butt shrink right up. My whole thing is this, Karl Malone work out, hard. Now, Karl Malone love them carbs too, especially them Nutter Butter bars, all nuttery and buttery. And that's good food right there, but to get into top-tip shape, Karl Malone work out. And that's why Karl do workout video called (close-up on video) Karl Malone Work Out Video. Buy this right here, and you get a good working out. Until next time, this here Karl Malone. (Holds up video to camera)


Today Karl Malone talking about health. Karl Malone healthy as horse but everybody not so lucky. All kinds of Americans infected by diabetes. Diabetes infect young, old, women, men, and here Karl Malone's whole thing. Why they call it diabetes? They get people all riled up. That's why Karl Malone say change name diabetes to livebetes. That way, people won't go walking around saying "oh no, I'm gonna diabetes." Instead, they saying, "look out world, livebetes coming through." That's called positivity thinking right there, and that's kinda thing keep Karl Malone on top. Remember now, you too can prevent forest fire. Until next time, this here Karl Malone.